This post coming to you from: the only city to every fully capture my heart and soul, my #home – NEW YORK
“What’s been your favorite part?” they ask. It’s as though their inquisitive minds seek some sort of release, satisfying a curiosity and in most cases, an underlining thirst to understand the conscious mind of a traveler.
I talk about the beauty of the shores of Australia, the culture and art in Melbourne, and the pristine beaches with the crystal blue Thai waters lapping at their shores. I describe my exploits, stories with new friends, and amazing meals which added as much to my soul as it did my hips. I share music and wistful memories gone of nights staring at a falling sun, followed by an outstretched blanket of twinkling lights illuminating a sky untouched by a city’s glow.
But here’s the #rawtruth, what I am describing to you is the equivalent to describing a one night stand. You’ll get the logistics, you might get a tasty tidbit about the location, I may even show you a few photos of what I ate (mind out of the gutter!). My favorite parts, however, never actually break silence, because those are the intimate moments that I will only ever share with my lover, my soul mate – the world. My favorite parts are things that can’t be described with just words or even in a picture. They are so deep rooted in me that only my private recollection can offer the rediscovery of the moments that truly expanded who I am. My favorite parts are and will only ever be for me to remember.
As travel writers, we seek to inspire others with our movements, with our destinations, with our descriptions. We seek to draw people out and give them their own desire and then hopefully courage to take that step and visit a new destination, to experience it first hand.
“For ninety thousand generations our race has been exploring landscapes, sensing dangers and opportunities. When you explore a new landscape or visit a new country, your attention is open to everything, like a baby’s. One thing catches your eye. Then another. This receptiveness can happen only when you are physically there.”
I can tell you about discovering my own weightlessness through diving, and the freeing feeling of floating amongst an array of creatures, simply existing together. Or I can tell you about the smoky release that escaped from a tiny metal capsule, infusing my nostrils with a hickory breath and then my taste buds with a creamy and yet tangy mackerel morsel. I can even tell you about falling in love on a tram car, something so simple as a kiss transporting me to a place that felt as weightless as those moments in the sea.
I can recommend things to do, places to go see, people to meet, but your experience will never be what I had. And that is the true beauty of travel, the allure of making love to the world. It is different for each one of us.
We read blogs and articles, and hear stories from fellow travelers and friends back from distant lands. We live vicariously through these recounted memories, and in our most ambitious of moments, plan trips to go make our own memories.
It isn’t, however, until you actually find yourself immersed in that new land, in that new experience, surrounded by new people and a new way of life, that you will finally be able to realize the full power and enlightenment behind the words that were shared with you. And even then, your experience will still be your own, yours to discover, yours to share (or not) as you please.
What I would implore you to do is to seek those first hand experiences, rather than the vicarious moments from another’s lips. Seek that knowledge, beauty and escape for yourself. Let it be a week. Let it take a month. Give your life to travel. However you choose to do it, give yourself that opportunity, give yourself that right, to really feel those places as you can only do when fully immersed physically in them.
“To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, to draw closer, to find each other and to feel. That is the purpose of Life.”
This is making love. I can tell you all about how it feels. You can watch it in movies, or see images on a computer screen. You can hear others’ stories and experiences with it; read articles from those who have experienced it before you. But until that moment when you experience it for yourself – the rush, the intensity, the deep physically and emotional connection with another soul – you will never know for yourself what that place is really all about.
This is how travel helps you to evolve. And just as there are multiple people in this world with whom you might experience making love, there are multiple places through which you can experience the intense feeling of discovery. Each place holds something new to explore, and each time you allow yourself to be expanded in such a way, it changes the way your mind, body and soul view the world, it’s people, and the natural beauty that exists throughout it.
The more you are able to explore and experience new landscapes for yourself, the more educated your mind becomes. Stereotypes fall away. Understanding and acceptance are granted more easily. Love is given more freely.
And isn’t that after all what we all seek the most? Love. Beautiful, unbiased, soul-inspiring love. To be known through a touch. To be seen through a gaze. To be found through a serendipitous moment.
I have fallen in love with this world because travel truly was my first love. I love its natural beauty. I love that parts of it that are scarred, messy and seemingly dangerous. I love how it protects and heals me. I love how the more of it that I explore, the more in love I fall.
Giving yourself the explicit permission to fall in love with the world, gives you the opportunity to make love to it, to know it intimately. As with any relationship, intimacy is key to making it last. And with this love, it is the least selfish love you will ever find: when you give into it, it gives back tenfold. All you have to do is open yourself up to the exploration, and then prioritize it, and I promise, the world will reciprocate your love in more ways than you can imagine.
So the next time you’re inclined to ask, “What was your favorite part?” understand that the answer will be a limited reply. It will only be a mere glimpse of the surface of what actually exists in the place being described to you. CTF will continue to do its best to inspire, to motivate you to seek your own blossoming love with the world, as will the tens of thousands of other travelers roaming the planet. Just bare in mind that we are ladies and gentlemen of the travel world, each of us a soul mate to this exquisitely beautiful Earth. And a proper lady never kisses and tells.
As always, Happy Falling!
Musical Inspiration: The ever-sensual “Light” from an all-time favorite, Odesza
This video is what it is all about. This man, Jedidiah Jenkins, exemplifies what I preach for Cosmic Trust Fall and once again proves that this mentality – this desire to strive for something more, to CHOOSE ADVENTURE and to WAKE UP YOUR BRAIN to the magic that still exists all around you in this world – it is not fleeting, nor is it outlandish. (Kudos to his videographer/friend, Kenny, as well for capturing such a visually stunning representation of his journey.)
This post breaks tradition and does not include Musical Inspiration. It will not be a long rambling per norm of my own thoughts and reflections. Because I want you all to take the time instead to actually watch this video and listen the words Jedidiah says. Really listen. Hear what he is saying and allow for it to penetrate through your daily life and way of being to a place that feels that spark.
You don’t have to go off on a thousand mile bike journey. Depending on your circumstances, you may not even have to quit your job. But I implore you to listen, and to choose adventure where ever you can. There is a child that still exist inside of you and (s)he is waiting to explore the wonder that exist in this world. Seek that out.
And always, Happy Falling!
Just in case you missed it, this bit is really important:
“The routine is the enemy of time. It makes it fly by. When you’re a kid, everything is astonishing, everything is new. And so your brain is awake and turned on. So every passing second you’re brain is learning something new, learning how the world works, and so the muscle of your brain is activated.
And as you get older and your brain has figured out the patterns of the way the world works – this is how you make money, this is how you graduate school, this is how you get a mortgage, this is how you have kids – I’ve got that on lockdown. I know my car. I know how to go to work everyday. I know how to check out. All these things. And once your brain establishes a routine, it stops…the alertness goes away – the fascination with the way the world works.
And that’s what travel in general does. It wakes up your brain.”
Musical Inspiration: Comes from that amazing duo known as Oh Wonder. “Livewire” is their May release, the ninth in a year-long quest to release one song per month. The methodic piano rhythms are addictive and the harmonizing of their voices has a trance-like affect on the mind. Bliss. Here’s to the discovery of your own Livewire…
This post coming to you from: Melbourne, Australia
“Never go on trips with anyone you do not love.”
~ Ernest Hemingway, A Moveable Feast
Travel, especially to far off destinations, is an eye-opening experience and one that in order to be fully appreciated should only be shared with those who will embrace your same zest for the adventure ahead. Whether that zest is found in the re-energizing qualities of lying on a beach basking under a warm sun, or in the excitement of zip-lining through the sticky air of the jungle, the person you are with should be someone who is a true companion. You should be confident that they will find the same joy, excitement and wonder in the activities you chose to do together or even open your eyes to new adventures because you share a similar desire to explore.
We’ve all heard about those couples who go off on some über romantic trip to “rekindle” their love. They arrive at a picturesque island, palm trees blowing in the breeze, or to a city bustling with limitless potential for great food, exciting sites and new cultural experiences, and they end up spending half the trip annoyed, depressed, fighting or in some other way unhappy with one another. If you didn’t arrive with the love in your heart, simple fact is, it doesn’t matter where in the world you go, you are not going to find it in a place. Love exists inside ourselves and is an emotion deep-rooted in the soul. It can be inspired or persuaded to be expressed outwardly by certain destinations or experiences, but it does not exist in its original format in those things or places.
This is exactly why, before you set out on a solo travel journey, you must be in love with yourself.
Above all else, the love for ones self is the most powerful. Before we can truly love another person, we must first understand how to love our self. We must know our own true worth and beauty, our own potential, our own intelligence and our own desires. Without this knowledge, we are simply pawns to the existence of someone else’s happiness rather than purveyors of our own life fulfillment.
Solo travel is often touted as the discovery of oneself and a journey which teaches you about your own limits and underlying abilities to survive and be happy. It is all of those things. But the ones who will get the most out of that journey toward self-discovery are those who seek it from a place of already existent self-love. It is those who arrive on the island knowing already how deeply they love themselves who will truly gain all of the benefits that come with being a solo traveler.
Before you set out on that life-changing, discovery of myself, “here I come world!” adventure, these are the 10 reasons why it is important to love yourself, to be IN love with who you are at your core and IN love with what that inner person is in relation to your happiness.
1. You are going to spend a lot of time with you.
Seven billion people in this world, and it’s still possible to be alone? You betcha! Alone is a state of mind as much as it can be a physical being. There will be times when you will be surrounded by one of the largest cities in the world and yet you will feel like if you screamed at the top of your lungs with a ninja-like fury, hell bent on karate chopping the crap out of the next person who walked within five feet of you, no on would even glance up. For as many lovely encounters and wonderful people as there are in this world, we are also self-consumed individuals surviving on a process of natural selection. Eat or be eaten.
Get to know you. You will be your best friend. You will be the one who falls asleep beside you at night reminiscing of the day just gone. You will be the one who wakes up next to you in the morning and pushes you to remove yourself from the sheets and start the day. Which leads us to…
2. When you are lonely, you are going to be the only one who can push yourself out the door.
When a beach or gorgeous mountain-scape or a sun-filled hike to a miraculous waterfall is on the docket, sure getting out of bed will be a breeze. But how about when you haven’t been social in days (maybe weeks) because you’re in the “saving money” phase of your life/journey? What about when you are missing home and all of your friends and family, and starting to question why you are out here all by yourself? Those moments can be consuming and will make you want to just curl back up under the blanket and turn on Friends (because you know, Netflix ya’ll).
Do you love yourself enough to fight that urge? Ok fine, so you do it for one day (sometimes it can be cathartic and necessary), but then you must love yourself enough to get your ass up and go discover something new! Saving money? Trust me, there are free things to do where ever you are. Go for a walk/hike/run/bike ride. Visit a temple/church/museum/random thing you found on a guide from the visitor center. Missing people? You’re not going to find new friends just laying in your bed (insert dirty joke here). Skype a friend or your mom/dad/sister and then get yourself into the shower and out the door! Love yourself enough to go say Hi to someone new!
3. When you get pissed off or frustrated or just plain fed up, guess who is going to be the only person there who gives a shit – you.
So you decided to eat the street meat and now the porcelain god is your best friend? They put you in a room with no air con and 15 other people when they promised you a private villa? You’ve stepped on glass, found a spider the size of your fist commandeering your bathroom, or had an annoying argument with a friend back home over a social media post (yep, that shit is real)? Guess what, no one cares! Well, except for you. Good old you. Frustrated, “why is the world out to get me right now?!” and “I didn’t sign up for this shit” you.
Do you love yourself enough to get over it, deal with it, and move on? Dwelling, worrying, all those otherwise negative things that you’re feeling, they will keep you from experiencing something great. They will keep your mind tied to something that is not going to progress you forward. Love yourself, and LET IT GO. There will be an adventure out there waiting for you, and it’s going to make you smile again. Trust.
4. The road is going to get tough at points, and you will be the only one to fight the desire to go home because deep down, you know there is still more adventure to come.
Do you love yourself enough to stay the course? Do you know how to fight the urges to give up all on your own, without anyone giving you a confidence boost, or telling you that it is going to be ok or that there will be something new coming your way soon? Self-doubt is a natural part of life. It is a healthy part of life because it teaches us to reflect on what is really important and what we value most in life. Learning to love yourself comes with a lot of raw self reflection, and guess what, solo travel provides loads of opportunities for self-doubt to come to the forefront. Loving yourself means knowing how to appropriately deal with that when it arises.
5. You will be the only one in your corner when other people question you, attempt to make you feel small, or attempt to throw you off course.
There are loads of quotes about leadership and being an entrepreneur that focus on a similar thread of thought: those who pave the way, who take risks, who challenge the norms, and who succeed in really affecting change in this world, they are the crazy ones, the ones who walk alone before the masses catch on and begin to walk with them.
“At first they’ll ask you WHY you’re doing it.
But later they will ask you HOW you did it.”
Knowing how to answer the ‘why’ when you venture out on your own is invaluable. And not just to get people, even if temporarily, to stop asking, but for yourself, to reassure yourself of your motives for your journey. One day they will want to learn from you. For now, being confident and loving the person inside of you who knows how to assuredly answer back, “Because I’m going to do great things and this is the first step” is vital.
6. You will be your biggest cheerleader, ultimate strategist and forever resourceful companion when plans fall through, unexpected barriers are presented or things just all around go to hell.
A strong support network is an integral part of solo travel. Knowing who you can fall back on and having people who will catch you should you fall is absolutely imperative to a successful solo travel adventure. However, when you’re in a foreign country, your SIM card won’t connect to a network to save its life (or possibly yours!), wifi is a thing of dreams and you’re staring at a sign written in a language you don’t understand trying to decide ‘Go right or go left?”, the only support network you’re going to be able to depend on is that little cheerleader inside of you singing a Beyonce song (“to the left, to the left”) and urging you to take a step forward and just TRUST. These moments happen a lot during solo travel. Broken bag straps/wheels, lost/stolen money and credit cards, hotels randomly dropping your reservation, needing medical aide, getting stranded on a part of the island with no taxis in sight and the sun going down. The struggle is real, and only you are going to pull yourself out of that mess.
7. The sky will light up in front of you and you will be the only one to remind yourself to take in that moment, to appreciate all of its grace and beauty and to let it sink into your soul.
Most of us have been on those magical trips with lovers or friends. The ones where you look across the table and feel grateful to have such amazing people in your life. Or where your partner(s) in crime catch a quick glimpse of something fascinating and eagerly point it out you. Or where you and your companion(s) take turns playing photographer, capturing every second of your epic adventure in digital bliss. Memories forever embedded in Facebook photo albums and video compilations.
Those moments don’t exactly exist when you travel alone. Sometimes you need to be able to actively remind yourself how lucky you are to be in a place, sitting in perfect harmony with yourself, watching the sea collide onto a granular and destitute oasis. Sometimes you will miss amazing sites or won’t be able to capture a moment in a photograph because you simply don’t have the extra set of eyes or appendages to catch everything. (And before you say it, no, those god-awful abominations which perpetuate the anti-social nature of the digital world in a real-world capacity – selfie sticks – are not the solution here.)
Do you love yourself enough to know that it’s ok, you’ll catch other things? To know that despite what Mark Zuckerberg would have you believe, not everything needs to be shared? The memories that will exist for you alone in your mind will be things that will hold an even more exquisite importance because they will only ever be just for you; little nuggets of gold that will be forever held in your heart, mind and soul, enriching every part of you. Do you love yourself enough to really appreciate the gravity of that?
8. You’re going to do things that you might be disappointed in yourself for doing – mistakes, temporary falls, fuck ups.
Do you love yourself enough to pat yourself on the back, give yourself a hug and remind yourself that this is a learning experience, not something to regret? Can you find a way to feel better about what you’ve done without the reassurance from an outside source? We are often times great at giving others advice, providing comfort to a friend in need and lending forgiveness when the other person cannot forgive themselves. Can you offer yourself the same treatment? Do you have the love and understanding of yourself to extend sage words of advice for correcting these mistakes going forward so that you do not repeat the fallacy?
Solo travel requires this, demands it even. Because you will fuck up. You will make mistakes. But if you can pick yourself up, forgive yourself and move on, you will also develop yourself into a supremely stronger person for it.
9. Knowing and loving yourself will make you better at trusting your instincts.
Those who don’t love themselves, who don’t know how to be alone and really own that feeling and all of the glory that comes with it, become desperate for the company of another human being. This can lead to sometimes tragic situations. Loving who you are on your own means not falling prey to bad company for the simple desire to have company at all. Knowing that you want someone’s company rather than needing it is a very powerful thing, and it will change your approach not only on a solo journey, but on the general journey through life.
Desperation begets bad decisions, which begets regret, which begets lost opportunities to be happy. Do you love yourself enough to seek your own happy? Learn to seek out the amazing things that will unfold before you when you really listen to your instincts. This is not something that can be taught, but it is the ultimate eternal gift that we can learn for ourselves – the ability to trust that we can and will make the right decisions.
10. Loving yourself is an energy that exudes outward and ultimately this is the only way you will ever cease to be a solo traveler.
Being in love with yourself is a necessity for solo travel and it is simultaneously what will bring an end to your solo travels. Exuding a clear love for oneself connects you with other travelers and other people in general. Those who love themselves have a pervasive sense of confidence, a glow about them that attracts other individuals to their energy. Someone who loves them self is confident but not cocky; has a sense of being but is humble about their own existence; and speaks with an air of intelligence that is persuasive but not pushy. These are the people who make friends easily, and who you want to be friends with. When you embody this inner love, you will naturally connect with people and you will cease to travel alone.
You will find people to share meals with you; people who will want to hear your story and by whom you will be intrigued to hear theirs. You will spend nights surrounded by laughter (and not just you laughing at your own jokes in your head…score!) and clinking glasses with those who have walked many different paths and yet somehow all fit harmoniously together at one table half way around the world from their Homes.
You will find bonds, be they temporary or long lasting, that will make you appreciate all that life has offered up in that moment.
You might even find love.
The bottom line is that loving yourself is what ultimately brings an end to only ever having to love yourself.
Remember to pack your toothbrush and a change of socks. Don’t forget your passport and a sturdy pair of walking shoes. But above all else, before you set out on a solo journey, remember to spend some time falling in love with yourself. It is the most valuable thing you will keep with you, and unlike a pair of shoes left outside a Thai resort, it is something that once owned, can never be lost.
Musical Inspiration: “Theory of Dreams” from super grassroots Norway-based producer Electus. If you haven’t listened to his stuff before, I highly recommend a trip over to his Soundcloud profile. It is inspired, methodical beats at their best. This particular one is one of his longer mixes, but given the length of the below post (spoiler alert: mind-altering change can’t be expressed in under 1,000 words), you’re going to need a longer song to keep you company.
This post coming to you from: Melbourne, Australia
Everyone always says travel changes you, and it does. Those who travel the world simply see things differently. And that is not to sound elitist or exclusive, because anyone is free to join this incredible club whenever they want, but the fact is that only those who join, know.
We see things first hand that even the best photographer will never be able to capture. We experience life outside our own, and in our most humble moments through the eyes of those who have experienced far greater sacrifice than we will ever know first hand. We are escape artists, happiness addicts, the luckiest sonsofbitches and the bravest souls. We look forward to each day ahead with an eagerness that can never exist in a box or a frame. We find comfort in striking up conversations with strangers, in sitting alone on a beach watching the sun fall, in biting into literal fruit from the tree or sipping on the concoctions of native hands.
While all travelers experience this on some level, travel also comes in various forms, two different clubs, if you will. There is on the one side, those who travel for vacations/holidays or by circumstance (i.e. work). This group opens their horizons to new levels, and depending on how far they choose to test their comfort zones on their getaways, can change their perspectives drastically in very short periods of time. They discover new levels of empathy and appreciation within themselves and often return home with a renewed sense of humanity, refreshed from the time away from the daily humdrum of life and obligations.
And then there are those who travel permanently, or who venture to live in countries outside of their own and chose to experience a culture as an adoptive local. This group works not to achieve a certain title or even a certain amount in their bank account. Rather, they work for the sole purpose of replenishing their financial means to see more of the world. They are not concerned with status or the 1% because they know that their own happiness is the ultimate marker of their success. And often times that happiness is at it’s height when throwing back a 50¢ Singha and watching the sun cascade across the sky, illuminating it in golds, oranges and reds that will only ever be truly captured by the live eye. This group knows a deep level of empathy for humankind and their fellow travelers that creates a natural and almost immediate bond to those they meet along their continuous path. They do not fear change. They exude it. They do not shy away from the unknown. They seek it out. They do not assess another’s faults as a way of determining their worth. They embrace the nuances in each person they encounter and seek to learn what they can from the other’s journey through life.
I have spent a good part of my life traveling and living in various parts of the world, being a part of that first club, and then somewhat venturing into the second a few years back when I made the choice to live and work abroad. However, it wasn’t until I began the Cosmic Trust Fall that I whole-heartedly stepped into that second club and began to see what it has to offer. Without question, never have I had such a profound, life- and mind-altering experience as I did during my 25 days in Thailand. I experienced insane beauty, was humbled by the pure simplicity of the lifestyle and people, and was privy to a number of “firsts,” both good and bad, that quite literally changed every part of my being. Above all, though, Thailand taught me the true essence of what I have been preaching on this blog for the past months – to let go.
Bangkok
Bangkok: Skyline plus a massive BBQ festival outside of Central World, an impressively large shopping center that would put some American malls to shame.
I landed in Thailand with an Airbnb that was admittedly overpriced for what I should have been spending. But it was a comfort thing. I was still trying to control certain aspects of the trip, and I still needed that security blanket to be wrapped around me. Bangkok was for the most part a dud (for me). It’s busy and dirty and while there were amazing parts to it (visit the Grand Palace and listen to the monks’ daily prayer…it is awe-inspiring), for the most part, it was a landing place, a starter location, and it held up to that reputation. Khao San Rd is exactly what you’d expect from it – loud, overcrowded and largely a backpacker’s haven for drunken debauchery. That’s not to say that a good time doesn’t exist there, it does. My second night was spent watching the Man United game (followed by some amazing people watching) with a friendly Brit who was returning to the UK the next day (bless him, we stayed up venturing around to various bars so he went straight from the bar to the airport…but as you do when in Thailand). Just don’t go into Bangkok with any expectations and you’ll be golden.
Koh Phangan
It was the islands that changed me. I landed on Koh Phangan four days before the Full Moon Party, a Monday, after a 12 hour bus and ferry journey from Bangkok. It was still relatively quiet and my morning boat was barely populated. From the first glimpse of the islands, I could feel something washing over me, although at that point my cognizance of the exact reasons behind that were still largely subconscious. None-the-less, the scenery stretched out before me demanded that I take notice. This was not like anywhere I had been before.
The week in Koh Phangan was everything that it needed to be. From my first day, the Universe started to demonstrate the benefits of just letting go and trusting in what would be put in front of me. A walk down the beach to explore my new surroundings resulted in striking up a conversation with an Aussie and two Sweedish guys, who all happened to be staying at a nearby hostel. An invitation to head to the hostel that night to join in the various pre-gaming led to conversations with all kinds of travelers, and my first real introduction to the traveler/backpacker mentality.
Life at Nomad Hostel in Koh Phangan
I met a girl who had travelled to Thailand on vacation but had then decided to stay. Seven months later she was still there, teaching English and dating the owner of the hostel…and absolutely loving her life. I shared a lively debate on the best Mexican food in LA with two Californians and spoke broken German with a group of girls who patiently tried to teach me additional “useful” (read: inappropriate) phrases. I met four Canadians who became my “Canadian bodyguards” for the Full Moon Party. On the surface these were your ultimately “lads on holiday” group, but I’d guess in “real life” are actually more responsible than they cared to let on to either others or themselves – almost as if Thailand was giving them a stamp of approval to live as recklessly as possible without killing themselves or others for a couple of months.
The Doctor, the 12-year veteran traveling Brit and everyone’s favorite late night game.
Back at my resort, I met a 40-year-old Brit on his fourth return to the Full Moon Party who had been traveling for nearly 12 years. His insight on giving into a life of travel opened my eyes to possibilities I hadn’t been either willing or possibly able to see previously. I met a young doctor-in-training from Belgium, and his overtly raunchy travel mate who seemingly made it his life’s goal to “attain” one of the two Russian girls staying at our collective home away from home. Watching this pursuit over the course of a couple of evenings was mildly entertaining if not slightly sad to see just how desperate some men can be.
My feast at Fisherman’s
One of my favorite nights was sitting in Fisherman’s restaurant (one of the top rated dining experiences on Koh Phangan and an absolute must for any visit). While great food is always a solid way to make me smile, it was the conversation with my waitress that made the night incredible. Also a solo female traveler, she had similarly left a decade long career (part of which was even in London!) to go traveling. She had found happiness living in India and now in Thailand. She had struggled with losing friends. She had made new friends. She had lived extravagantly, and then lived meagerly. Here was a 34-year-old woman who was living, working and traveling freely, passionately, with purpose. These were the encounters that began to shift me, drastically altering the alignment of what I had bought into for years as being the prescribed methods to success.
That week was rejuvenating, revitalizing and reminiscent of years past when I had carelessly thrown caution to the wind in pursuit of the ultimate night out. It was a welcome return to youth, but at the same time an awakening to the fact that I was no longer in that place in life. I had become one of those nearing-30 year olds who kept thinking (and sometimes saying out loud…sorry guys) in a semi-patronizing tone, “you’re still young, you’ll learn.” What a bitch. But hey, you let me know what you’re saying to the 20-somethings when you’re my age and then we’ll see who the real antagonizer is. (See, I can’t help it.)
That week was also a series of baby steps toward truly learning to let go, truly giving myself over to the Universe. The entirety of this, however, wasn’t realized until Koh Tao entered my life.
Koh Tao
I left Koh Phangan on a ferry that was supposed to be sold out (and yet on the day I was able to get a ticket at about 100THB less than a pre-booked ticket) and with no place to stay on Koh Tao. While waiting on the pier, I was approached by a guy who handed me a pamphlet for Ban’s Diving Resort (and a nice discount on the Open Water Diving package, which included 4 nights accommodation…further proof that you should always negotiate on prices in Thailand). No, I will not tell you what I paid, because I believe negotiating is a skill everyone should learn. So go learn it and who knows, maybe you’ll get an even better price. Just don’t pay what is listed on the website. It’s never real. Or it is, and you’re a sucker.
Arriving on Koh Tao (2.5 hours later than the ferry schedule had predicted…aka on ”Thai time”) was hectic. Disembarking the boat, you are virtually accosted by screaming men and woman attempting to coerce you to use their taxi service or to come stay at their resort. Pushing through, I found the Ban’s man and boarded a 5 minute free taxi ride to the resort on Sairee Beach. While Koh Tao probably has 60+ different diving resorts, Ban’s is arguably the largest, and it is a machine, pumping out hundreds (if not thousands during the busy months) of certified divers each week. Their compound stretches across both sides of the main road and offers everything from dorm style accommodation up to full private luxury bungalows. (Helpful tip: Negotiatewhich room you get as your included accommodation with your dive package. I cannot stress this enough. There are plenty of other dive resorts within a minutes walking distance from Ban’s. If you can’t get the room you want at Ban’s, you likely can at another resort.) Because of it’s size, Ban’s benefits from having an eclectic and great group of dive instructors flowing through it on a regular basis. A good dive instructor, someone who gets along with the group and makes the overall experience as much fun as it is educational, is absolutely key to having a fantastic experience when first learning to dive. We definitely had this with our instructor Darran, and I heard plenty of other groups raving about their Ban’s instructors as well.
Learning to dive was incredible in it’s own right. Floating through the water with creatures of all kinds jetting around you is a miraculous mind fuck between feeling weightless and effortlessly free, yet distinctly conscious that your every existence is dependent on the large metal tank strapped to your back not failing you at 20m below the surface. It. Is. Liberating. Truly.
Only the best dive group Darran has every had! From L-R: The Professor, Bam Bam, Scooter, Bella, me. Front and center, Darran!
As with most things in life, the experience of learning to scuba dive was made all that much more enjoyable because of the group I was blessed to be a part of. Because of my “Thai time” boat, I arrived to the first class late (but those that know me, know “Caiti time” probably would have had me running late anyway). Walking into the small room, the stickiness of the heat outside still sitting on my skin, I was greeted by Darran, three Canadian guys (henceforth known as The Professor, Scooter, and Bam Bam) and a German girl (Bella). Two beers, one horrendously corny PADI video, and some cooperative team work on the Knowledge Review sheets later and we were all ready to enjoy a nice Thai dinner.
Dive buddies!
In the week that followed, we all bonded, as you might expect when you are semi-dependent on these people to save your life should something go wrong, but in a way that really made me appreciate what the Universe had handed me with this group. After a week of Koh Phangan debauchery, this week was more reminiscent of what I had come to know and love in my life in the recent years. We all sat around large tables and on beaches playing Cards Against Humanity. We ventured to various bars on Sairee Beach, hypnotically watching fire throwers do their tricks and discussing life back home, upcoming nuptials and hopes for the future. We enjoyed amazing meals, fell asleep on palm-shaded sand and took leaps of faith into a star-spangled ocean. At the end of it, we parted ways with some extra cuts and bumps (“Thai tattoos” courtesy of motor bikes…and Bam Bam), plenty of jokes and memories, and some amazing photos, videos and group shots.
Bella and I decided to stay on for a few extra days after the boys left, which turned out to be one of the most enjoyable portions of my time on Koh Tao. Again, leaving our trust in the hands of the Universe, we managed to find a private bungalow to share (for the equivalent of about £6/night/person) and spent the days laying next to crystal blue water, baking under the sun and chatting about all the things that woman do. (Sorry guys, not divulging any of the hidden secrets of the female psyche today. Maybe next time.)
The evening light show behind the small resort island off the coast of Koh Tao, Koh Nang Yuan
It was during this time that Koh Tau really began to capture my heart and sink into my soul. A random whim found Bella and I accepting an invitation from a group of Swedes to join them for their friend’s 40th birthday celebration on his yacht. Conversations with various people on that boat found me discovering a whole group of Europeans who had come to Koh Tao in the years previous and simply decided to stay. Now they owned property, ran businesses, and generally just enjoyed the simple and relaxed life that Koh Tao offered up every single day. I listened to people full decades older than me talk with a level of passion about their life that I hadn’t seen in some people many years younger than me; that I hadn’t seen in myself in years, if I’m honest. It was uplifting and inspiring at a level that permeated every part of me.
As Bella headed back off to “regular” life, I decided to stay on Koh Tao a bit longer. What was suppose to be a couple extra days turned into a full extra week, moving into a hostel, and spending my remaining time in Thailand on Koh Tao. Yes, it is that addictive, and in all likelihood I will justify it’s nickname, the “Boomerang Island”, and return at some point in the future to live, work and play some more.
That last week was perfection. I bunked with a few Americans, which was a welcomed taste of the homeland that I had not had in a very long while, years really. (For the love of all things beautiful and good, can someone please figure out a way to get more Americans to travel?!) I spent time reconnecting with myself, writing, and processing everything that the previous weeks had given me. I attempted to learn more Thai, and tried as many different dishes on the plastic laminated menus as I possibly could. The Thai people are genuinely amazing and when you are able to see through the facade being put forth for the tourists, you can see a society that exists on a relaxed and happy yet incredibly strong work ethic. The juxtaposition of their existence with the increasingly heavy Western influence is a truly fascinating thing to see unfold on a daily basis.
My dutch buddies indulging my “Yoga on a mountain” obsession
The last week also found me spending time with two siblings from Holland, a brother and sister who demonstrated a bond I can only hope my own children one day exhibit. I enjoyed a few last nights out, including a St. Pattys Day adventure which was more red than green after the slight misfortune of stepping on broken glass left me limping around the island for the last few days. And I had the fortune of sharing some great conversations with a young but impressively mature 22-year-old British girl, Katherine from Bath. Her insight on the world and eagerness to attack life with every part of her being was invigorating and a perfect end to my time in Koh Tao.
My final night in Koh Tao was spent sitting on bar stools overlooking the beach where it all started – at Ban’s. Katherine’s friend is a dive instructor at Ban’s so I spent the evening chatting with her and another instructor, picking their brains on their own journeys to living the Koh Tao life. I would love to say that it was more eye-opening conversation, but by this point in my journey the lifestyle, the mentality, everything that came with the island existence had fully penetrated my soul. I was already hooked and all those conversations did was to further justify the return I know I will one day make.
This is Koh Tao life optimized
Thailand, in every sense possible, released me – from the constraints and expectations of what I had thought was the “normal” path to success, from pain that was still lingering inside of me, and from myself and the added pressure I have seemingly always embodied to be good enough. It is a process and a journey that I will now continue while in Australia, and one that I will be forever grateful to the Universe for allowing me to indulge in.
Musical Inspiration: A beautiful acoustic version of Mapei’s “Don’t Wait”. Her serene vocals remind us how powerful human connection can be, especially when we recognize it and allow ourselves to live in its moments.
*****
I remember the first introduction to the woman who has now been my host for the past five days. We ate mushy vegetables, quiche and barely-warm chicken, sitting at a table with my mother, surrounded by Italian contractors and American soldiers on the Ederle Army Post in Vicenza, Italy. The sun was out and there was a clear buzz in the air as military and civilian sat side-by-side, casually waving now and again as yet another person they knew walked by tray in hand to find a seat in the mess hall.
She was instantly warm and unassuming, and there was a presence about her that made me feel like there was something in this woman that I had actually known for years rather than minutes. She was just slightly taller than me, with short blonde hair that you could tell she had spent some time doing in the morning. Her outfit was colorful, much more so than most of the people in the room (save my mother and an Italian woman, who both donned bright tops) as the protocol was usually standard issue, and anything worn by the civilian men or woman didn’t seem to stray much from those neutral tones of the uniforms.
Two days later I found myself looking like a bag lady as I lugged my things into the back of her 4×4. We drove for about 15 minutes into the heart of Vicenza, and then walked another 10 minutes from her garage. She graciously shared the “bag lady” appearance with me as we rolled my things over the cobblestone and up two flights of stairs to her apartment, which held a perfect view overlooking the Piazza die Signori and the Basilica Palladiana.
After a bit of chit chat and getting settled, dinner preparation began. Marinated steak with chili-powered polenta fried in coconut oil and asparagus. And wine. Of course there was wine. We spoke about her 23-year-old daughter who had just left back to New York after a 6-week stay with her and her 40 year old son who lives in Texas. We talked about why I had left London and our mutual love for the NY Giants (and how we hoped Eli would finally connect with his receivers this year!).
As good food and wine and new friendships usually inspire, the conversation continued well beyond the last bite, and I found myself listening intently to this woman describe things that began to sound all-to-familiar. Lost relationships, bouts of depression and a desire to find internal happiness through those she loves and experiences she has had, but ultimately a knowledge of herself that was powerful and inspiring.
The clincher for me came about two hours in – the reason for her move to Italy a few years back. Originally from Louisiana, she had spent the better part of her last 35 years living and working in New York. She has raised two children who have gone on to experience success in their own right and touts a couple ex-husbands, with whom she remains friendly albeit understanding of why the relationships dissolved. All things told, she was living a life exactly as society has deemed one should – marriage, kids, a home, a good job. All the pieces to presumed happiness.
Then at 56, after a successful 7-year career at West Point, a change in leadership left her looking for another job. Stability started to be questioned and when you are that close to retirement, a whole list of unknowns can become real concerns. She admitted she could have shrunk away and accepted what fate had presumably dealt her, but nothing about this woman screams anything other than clear and prevalent strength. She was offered a job with the US military in Italy and despite no previous experience living abroad, she took the leap and accepted the job. She moved by herself, away from her kids, her home, her friends, the entire life she had spent literally a lifetime creating, and decided to create a new opportunity and a new amazing set of experiences for herself over in Europe.
In the past few years, she has experienced traveling new parts of the world, living in the heart of a new culture, and meeting an array of new kinds of people. Her home is a character-filled two bedroom apartment which has hosted everyone from her family and friends to a violin-playing Serbian who needed a warm place to stay. She has dated, found love and lost love. She has added new skills to her resume, and has given herself new ways to provide for her future.
Never have I been so sure that the Universe is looking out for me and for this CTF journey as I am now having stayed with this woman. She is proof that regardless of age, life occurrences or financial circumstance, if you are determined to know yourself, to challenge yourself, and to try new things – if you are a hustler, a fighter, the one that won’t give up – you can turn any seemingly desperate situation into something exceedingly positive.
I am forever grateful to this woman for opening up her home to me and grateful to the Universe for putting someone in front of me so early on in this journey who demonstrates all of the positive attributes that a CTF can bring.
This is making love. I can tell you all about how it feels. You can watch it in movies, or see images on a computer screen. You can hear others’ stories and experiences with it; read articles from those who have experienced it before you. But until that moment when you experience it for yourself – the rush, the intensity, the deep physically and emotional connection with another soul – you will never know for yourself what that place is really all about.
can be a physical being. There will be times when you will be surrounded by one of the largest cities in the world and yet you will feel like if you screamed at the top of your lungs with a ninja-like fury, hell bent on karate chopping the crap out of the next person who walked within five feet of you, no on would even glance up. For as many lovely encounters and wonderful people as there are in this world, we are also self-consumed individuals surviving on a process of natural selection. Eat or be eaten.
You will find people to share meals with you; people who will want to hear your story and by whom you will be intrigued to hear theirs. You will spend nights surrounded by laughter (and not just you laughing at your own jokes in your head…score!) and clinking glasses with those who have walked many different paths and yet somehow all fit harmoniously together at one table half way around the world from their Homes.
Two days later I found myself looking like a bag lady as I lugged my things into the back of her 4×4. We drove for about 15 minutes into the heart of Vicenza, and then walked another 10 minutes from her garage. She graciously shared the “bag lady” appearance with me as we rolled my things over the cobblestone and up two flights of stairs to her apartment, which held a perfect view overlooking the Piazza die Signori and the Basilica Palladiana.
Cosmic Trust Fall 